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Archive for March 2010

Facebook Feeds: Do you need attention? Aww..Do You?

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I miss the olden days back in 2003 when Facebook didn’t have all these newfangled, hare-brained ideas like enabling people I don’t even want to look at send me a virtual hug and those who were too scared to make eye contact with me in high school send me an anonymous comment in “honesty” box about what a raging bitch I am. I’m pretty sure those same people will be changing their names and high-tailing it to Canada when Facebook pops up with a new device to reveal the anonymous chicken shit behind the badass virtual facade……..

I liked Facebook when it was exciting and old faces from the past were popping up left and right. I loved finding that old boyfriend that dumped me in high school so I could congratulate him on his new house with wheels and his new wife that can barely squeeze into it. I even found a few teachers I particularly loathed and finally gave them a piece of my mind without getting hauled to an administrator’s office.

But now….the thrill is gone, and unfortunately people got all crazy and thought other people might care about every second of their day on their stupid status feeds……I don’t. I have a sneaking suspicion I won’t find anything interesting coming from a person who finds 10 minute intervals in their busy day to tell me about the mindless garbage that pilfers through their insipid, yet narcissistic skulls.

Here are just of few of the millions of things I don’t want to know about you:

1. That you had a bowel movement this morning and a bag of Skittles at lunch.

I need to know about your diet and regularity as much as I need a taser at work.

2. That your boyfriend/girlfriend dumped you.

It was probably because you wouldn’t pay them enough attention because you were too busy throwing goats at people and updating your friends about how bad you need a lobotomy on Facebook.

3. That your husband is coming home from his business trip to Chicago tonight and you’re just SO excited.

What does your relationship with him have to do with anyone else? He didn’t feel the need to tell everyone about his trip or how many girls he banged. Why should you?

4. That you are “just SO sad today.” Unfortunately, I don’t care that you’re sad, just like you wouldn’t care if I were sad.

Pipe down and just do what I do- get a prescription for whatever mood ails you so. Trust me, there’s a pill for everything and I have them all.

5. That it’s Monday and you just finished watching seasons I through IV of Friends while consuming an entire batch of hash brownies. Tee-hee! How funny is that?!

I guess it’s not quite as funny as it was in high school now that you have 2 kids to support and random drug tests administered by well-meaning social workers at Defax.

6. That your favorite reading material is Cosmopolitan.

Dear God, all I need is more anger towards my generation’s stupidity to fuel my road rage during rush hour traffic.

7. That you’re in love…..aaahh…….

It’ll pass. And when it does I’m sure I’ll be lucky enough to have all the mundane details plastered all over my screen when I log in.

8. That you’re “over it.”

I call horseshit. If you were actually over whatever it is your still obviously writhing mad about, you wouldn’t feel the need to share the fact in order to conjure attention from idiots desperate enough to give it. You’re not aloof and you’re not fooling anyone. We know you’re sitting behind your computer clicking refresh waiting for someone to give a damn.

9. That your going to see Alice in Wonderland tonight and you’re so excited!

You should be excited to live in a gracious country that allows bad people to see good movies. Tim Burton doesn’t care that you’re going to see his film any more than I do because he’s so awesome that he doesn’t need anyone to advertise his awesomeness ….kind of like Hollister doesn’t need to advertise their cheap, tacky clothes to future skank reality show contestants. It’s one of those “if you build it they will come kinda things.” Too obvious, just shut up.

10. Anything about your personal hygiene. You are the kind of person who will probably use the toilet with the door open in front of your husband. I didn’t marry you, therefore I shouldn’t have to hear about it.

Most of us eat, clip our toenails, and have relationship problems. That being said, don’t fool yourself into believing that these things are somehow special if they apply to you. They’re not and you’re not either, so unless it’s March of 2010 and you’ve not had a bowel movement since June 2009.…you’re ordinary at best.



March 17, 2010 at 12:59 am


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I would never leave you to clean the secrets off the walls.
All I ask is that you light my cigarette between moments of intensity,
When I am still.

It’s hard to take so little when you offer so much,
But I am shrinking as I strip layers of buildup from the lens.

You understand, it just happens, and I am just me.
I depart in madness, but arrive in peace.

In November, the leaves become sick and die.
I watch them from my roof and feel them ignite before they fall.


March 14, 2010 at 6:12 pm

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"Starbound" by Jessica Barrett

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photo by E. Ashley Desh Solomon Hawk Wortman

You are the buzzing static of winter,
Storing your white canvas crystallized.
The moment will come back for you,
So you know, to paint the universe.
Enter spring stems re-wiring you in a hurry,
Sprouting summer that adores you most of all,
Swinging you under it branches and
Hoisting you to the stars.
I dreamt you were suspended by every season,
You were scraping the rings off Saturn
With care and a cigarette between your smile
And I didn’t have the heart
To talk you back down.
Happy like Saturday morning;
A little boy in footy pajamas
Watching cartoons over a big bowl
Of sugary cereal and it’s not always
What we imagine, the loose screw;
An old lady playing with her childhood
At times, it’s a young man
On a solo seesaw at midnight,
Skipping, fearless, home at dawn.
The brilliant rewiring of spring
That flipped it over three and one-half times,
Wheels pointed towards the stars.


March 14, 2010 at 5:53 pm

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Nickel Back Followers by Jessica Barrett

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The Worst Band Ever & How to Spot their Followers


Nickel Back: This is without a doubt the suckiest band in the universe. The fact that they have “#1 Hits” disturbs me in a way words cannot begin to articulate. My mind cannot even wrap around the concept that their CD’s actually sale and that they’re living in mansions bought with their fans’ stupidity and horrendous taste. It’s bad. It’s bad and it’s just wrong. Let me tell you something, if you are a Nickel Back fan, please remove me from your friend list now. You can even write me a message about how narrow-minded and evil I am first. I don’t care. Speak your peace and kindly take your exit; I am not interested in anything that comes out of your mouth not even your breath. You disgust me and I hate you.

 What kind of person listens to Nickel Back? Sadly enough, the people who listen to this thing that is unfortunately considered a musical band don’t always live away from society in a hole in the ground as they should be. Yes, they are walking amongst us. There are people from so many walks of life that listen to this crap but really they are just one big Army of generic rock lovers reduced to one common denominator of pure, solid suckiness. As a matter of fact I went to Best Buy a few days ago to buy an awesome CD (Jeff Buckley) for a person who has stellar taste in music and my ears almost bled because the loser standing adjacent to me milling around the TOP 10 sale wrack’s phone rang with a Nickel Back ring tone. I can’t escape it. He smelled like Curve Cologne and was wearing an Abercrombie T-shirt from like, 10 years ago. He used words like “ain’t” and “WHOOOO.” He winked at me and I almost barfed out my nose. Thank you for ruining my shopping experience. This is just one example. Some common characteristics that should stab you in the ass with the pole of a red flag are, but not limited to, the following:

1. GUYS: Usually wears lots of cheap cologne and are attracted to girls with an orange tan, pops his collar, is a flaming racist but also listens to gangsta rap (only when the windows are rolled up), has “guys night’ and actually calls it that, sends in his homemade videos to the “Tool Academy,” refers to good music as “weird hippie shit,” doesn’t know what a hippie is and wouldn’t know good music if it tea bagged him in the forehead, likes to teabag his male friends after getting plastered at “Guys’ Night, hit his peak in the 11th grade (assuming he made it that far), and stands in the TOP Ten Sale wrack at Best Buy winking at girls that would rather be scalped than acknowledge him.

2. GIRLS: usually has an orange tan, likes to do methamphetamines in her free time, buys her wardrobe at “The Body Shop,” wears some nasty stripper perfume by some skank designer like Jennifer Lopez, has a life long dream of becoming a nail technician, is a perpetual Real World reject, owns a pit bull, hangs Marti Gras beads from the mirror in her red Mustang like we need proof that you’re a skank and you already drive a Mustang, has lock-jaw, claims she got her Hepatitis C from a tattoo parlor or toilet seat, and dates guys like the aforementioned.

So you see, Nickel Back isn’t even okay to listen to if you call it your “guilty pleasure.” You know it sucks, own it and admit to the first class moron you really are. I used to be in denial about Britney Spears. Then I realized, “Britney is not a guilty pleasure, I LOVE HER!” I lost a few friends for that confession and you know what, I don’t blame them but if Britney spears suckiness doesn’t hold a flame to Nickel Back’s, you know that is some serious dog shit music. THINK ABOUT IT.


March 14, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Posted in Random Rants

MTV- Advocates of Safe Sex

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Way to teach safe sex, MTV!!

MTV administered this photograph  in a strategic, yet highly ineffective attempt, considering it was pulled from the airways almost immediately after its release, to heighten social awareness on the topic of safe sex to a younger generation. Kudos to MTV for reinforcing male violence in pornography, the lethality, fear and worship of the phallus while simultaneously presenting themselves as good Samaritans and advocates for sexual safety.
Allegedly, the advertisement team responsible for the release felt that pornography was the only way to deter the youth from engaging in risky sexual behavior that could potentially lead to STD’s and teen pregnancy. At a glance, the gun merely represents the dangers of unsafe sex, comparing the risks involved to a loaded pistol aimed right at the crotch. Clever, huh? A more in depth analyses might compare the gun to the ultimate phallic symbol of violence, ownership, and subjectivity as it’s lethal and something to be feared. It might compare the spread-eagle female model’s position to an open invitation. The gun replaces what is missing, or lacking rather, in femininity and reinforces the masculine gender role of violence.
I find it difficult to fathom a photo of a perfectly manicured woman with her legs spread an inspiration for birth control and a repellant for any heterosexual male. If MTV felt the need to use graphic images, would not a picture of an STD suffice? It seems that an add inducing a gag reflex rather than a pornographic ideal would be more effective.


March 12, 2010 at 9:07 pm

First Date Lies

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"I don't normally make sex tapes, honest!"

“I don’t normally make sex tapes…honest!”

Rather than moping over a few failed relationships consisting of an awful flurry of first dates, followed by agonizing second and third encounters which have left me wondering why I don’t just give up after the first, I’m going to share what I’ve learned…

I’ve noticed a correlation between certain red flags and subsequent behaviors. In the interest of sparing you from these behaviors, and to save you much needed time and sanity by ditching these cretins prior to a sticky relationship, I will delineate these indicators. If any of the following sound familiar, get on your horse and get the hell out of dodge:

1.“I’ve been cheated on by every person I’ve dated.” 

Though this commonly used sob story can be interpreted various ways, you are definitely dealing with a drama queen/king either way. This is the paradigm of classic victim mentality and should be a warning sign of tragic theatrics to come. I’m so nice, everyone’s so mean, boo-hoo-hoo poor me! 

This typically arises on the first or second getting-to-know-you date and is most often thrown into conversation to generate sympathy and portray a loyal person who knows what it’s like to get burned. Marginally intelligent and intuitive people who’ve been cheated on can usually pick up on the tale-tale signs of a cheater after dating a few of them. A person who is continually cheated on is one of two things: a mouth-breathing mirror-fogging retard, or a flawed dolt seeking out partners they know will ditch them so they’ll have a victim story to tell…perhaps both.

Next time somebody offers up this nugget on a first date, don’t hang around for the second; or a relationship full of their crocodile tears and stories of dating martyrdom will soon materialize.

2. “I normally don’t do this, but…”

Like adding “in bed” to fortune cookie wisdom- simply remove the “don’t” and you magically have the “truth.” Here are a few common statements that follow:

  • “I normally don’t get set up on first dates a lot”

Interpretation is “I normally get set up with tons of first dates.”  If this doesn’t bother you then go for it; however, if you’re not interested in dating someone too inept to secure their own dates and a liar to boot, move along and stop trusting your clueless though well-intentioned friends and family to set you up.

  • I normally don’t get drunk and naked on the first date, but…..”

But tonight you figured would be just the perfect opportunity to try out being an incoherent, drunken, dirty slut for the first time? Riiiiiiggghttt…no one buys this line ever, but if you’re on a date with a dude who wants to get laid, he’s going to patronize you until the inevitable drop-kick the following morning. By the way, don’t expect a call. For anyone who prefers this method of dating, just be up front about it- at least you’d be an honest drunken whore.

3. A person who always has a story or comment to top your story or comment is always a greedy, attention-hogging, self-serving narcissist. There are no exceptions to this rule. On the surface narcissists seem engaging, energetic, talkative, and self-confident. As the courtship progresses, a more arrogant and egocentric character emerges. You’ll find the only conversations they’ll engage with involve how wonderful they are. If you don’t acknowledge this awesomeness at least ten times a day, they’ll remind you. Trust me.

 At their core, narcissists are actually insecure, insincere, competitive, jealous brats who will stop at nothing to upstage even innocent passersby. These individuals can be quite maniacally persuasive, as they’ve had years to hone their deceptions. At times they can seem supportive and even enthusiastic of others’ success, but deep down they’re actually resentful. Narcissism is deep rooted in childhood and learned from parents who praise their children for being mediocre, and at times, downright inferior. This parenting approach instills children with deluded ideas of self-worth and the irrational expectation that they are entitled to love and praise for their existence. They’re not, so move along.


March 12, 2010 at 7:17 pm

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Tips for Writing Bad Poetry

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Steinbeck is rolling over in his grave right now.


The Official Crap Poetry Society: Founded in April 2008 by Jessica Barrett

The Official Crap Poetry Society is an organization formed for the specific purpose of collecting crap poetry for endless hours of mind numbing, IQ dropping, self-esteem-by-comparison-raising amusement. The compilation is collected from submissions via email, anonymous drop off’s in the crap poetry box, and random un-copy written material found through the World Wide Web. For submission information, confidentiality details, and official rules and regulations information please contact Jessica E. Barrett at

Helpful Hips for getting your poetry approved and published:

1.Use lots of cliché words, phrases, allusions, and imagery to be as predictable as possible to your reader. For example, compare your soul to an “empty vessel sailing towards the port of Nothingness”; create metaphors and allusions that associate religion and society to “shiny brainwashed machinery” and their leaders to “the ivory-white sheep in wolves clothing that spawn from some hellish nightmare.” Use excessive adjectives and verbs that are completely unnecessary to emphasize your lack of a better vocabulary such as “blood-red,” “nightmarish,” hell-ridden,” “dripping,” “choking,” drowning,” “enchanting,” etc.

2.Read famous poetry by well-known author’s such as Edgar Allen Poe, Robert Frost, and Langston Hughes, re-phrase it with your own personal crappy poetic touch, and pawn it off as your own material. This always makes for bad poetry because it pisses off the reader; you’ve successfully insulted their intelligence by assuming they’ve never read “Annabelle Lee” or “The Road Not Taken” and you’ve also managed to work your reader into a fit of rage by planting an image of you sitting at home in front of your computer, nodding your head in smug self-assurance mouthing, “yea, this is good” in your readers’ minds. You’ve wildly underestimated your audience because they know if you’ve twisted around some famous-for-good-reason poem, inserted your own cliché vocabulary, changed the narrative point of view as well as the title, and inserted your name proudly on top.

3.The best way to write bad poetry is to play the part of the cliché poet; try out the role of the starving artist, tortured soul, or the elitist intellectual to really get into the role of writing bad poetry. Since most bad poets haven’t experienced the things they write about and have to live vicariously through the emotions of those who are actually poor, broken-hearted, depressed, intelligent, enlightened, or traumatized, the only way to do this is to look how you would like to write.

For example, if you want to write about your tortured soul and inner turmoil, you should probably wear fishnet stockings, black, lace-up army boots, black lipstick and nail polish and paint your face ghost-white to get “haunted” effect. Listening to Maralyn Manson and reading Ann Rice will probably point you in the right direction.

If you are going for a more enlightened effect, carry a walking cane every where you go, wear glasses, a top hat and a vest from Brooks Brothers which will really give you that Pseudo Intellectual appeal. Tell common people that you are transcending to a higher plane of existence and scoff haughtily at them when they think you an idiot. Read lots of philosophical literature such as Rousseau, Nietzsche, and Plato. (If you don’t like to read, merely lay them open on your desk and highlight, mark, and dog-ear the pages so everyone can see that you really love philosophy.) Refer to philosophy majors as “colleagues” and non-philosophy majors as “peons.” Refer to your professors as simply “Doc. Follow these pointers and you’ll be spouting bad poetry faster than you can say, ‘non-conformist Conformist.”

The starving artist is not so different from the elitist so this can be tricky. Unlike the elitist, the starving artist presents an aura of nonchalance; the starving artist is disinterested in things such as snobbery and disdain for those below him in intellect…or so he appears. The starving artist acts more humble in nature, but really is just as aware of his superiority. This character cares for nothing other than his art, his poetry, and doesn’t bother him self with trivial accommodations such as food, water, and decent clothing. (Although, starving artists curiously have the funds to support a marijuana habit.) This role is really a very simple one to play; quote Charles Bukowski, wear clothes from Good Will, and smoke a lot of grass.

4.Make up your own grammatical rules for your poetry and play by them. Hey, Cormack McCarthy’s punctuation consists of periods only, why can’t you paste little semi-colons, commas, capital letters, and italics at random that make your crappy poetry more incoherent than it already is. Don’t stop at punctuation, just write down whatever word comes to mind first; a steady stream of intangible disarray that will send your reader into an oblivion-induced coma. Oblivion Induced Coma-sounds like the title of a really crappy poem…

Follow my helpful hints and you’ll be well on your way my friend. If you’re submission is accepted, you can bet your tortured, bleeding ass that you wrote a poem so awful and cliché, it’s earned a title among the rest in The Crappy Poetry Society Vol. II .

*Disclaimer: If you’re poems aren’t crappy enough to earn approval, they are not by default “Good.”

Here are a few winners from Vol. I:

“I sit And I’m Stoned” by an anonymous pseudo- intellectual :

I sit,And I’m stoned
I grow,And I’m grown.
The trees-they sing-they laugh;If you ask them, they’ll do a little dance.
Children prance,In masks…Oh Jimmy Hendricks sings of a Red House Over Yonder
Something for me to ponder asI sit,And I’m stoned.

“DREAMLAND” by Megan, Chicago, Illinois. Dreamland a place?
Hello people in my dreams.
Are you dreaming, too?‘

“Paper Towel Role” by Jessica E. Barrett, Atlanta, GA
Ramon, my Gerbil
And people say nothing rhymes with purple…
A cool wind in the night tips Ramon’s crate over;
Little pellets and bark chips spill onto the floor,
Pungent aromas of things that give love a bad name
Float into my nostrils and I am…Awake.

(Notice the complete abandon of any rhythm, theme, or coherence in these winning submissions. The author shows no attention to trivial things such as structure or grammatical parallels; punctuation is of no concern and creates a myriad of unpleasant feelings in the reader. When you’ve succeeded in imposing feelings onto your reader such as confusion, dumbness, frustration, and the sudden impulse to swallow a bottle of adderall or tear their eyes out, you’ve likely written a truly awful poem that you should never be proud of. ) Best of luck and I look forward to squirming in my seat as the submissions role in for 2009!


March 12, 2010 at 7:06 pm

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