Yea I'm full of rage, what of it?

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Archive for April 2010

A few things that make me uncomfortable:

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And you thought the before photo was bad.......don't touch my food, Skank!

1. Meth addicts You know, I can sort of see how someone stupid might try heroin …it’s a little glamorized I guess. Former junkies definitely look like the streets have been hard, but their faces are usually still intact…but dear God, meth heads? Why in the world would anyone try this drug even once? There are chain emails and billboards plastered everywhere with those photos of the chronology of a meth users life and they’re pretty repulsive.


Gag me.

There was a meth head that made my sandwich at Subway once. She was all hallowed and scabby looking so I pitched my chicken wrap in the garbage bin outside. I could never eat knowing those crusty hands made my food. Repulsive.

2.  People who stand too close in check out lines:

You know who I am talking about. If you’re one of those people, someday someone’s going to head butt you and make you wish you hadn’t clung to their heels like an impatient donkey. The last thing I want to see in my peripheral when I’m standing in the check out aisle at Target is a slack jawed Neanderthal fogging up my glasses.

3.  Pentecostals:  I went to a Pentecostal church once with my friend from elementary school because her father was the preacher. He was screaming so loud his eyes were bulging out of his head. What’s more, he spoke in a language that sounded strangely demonic. Come to think of it, he sounded just like the little girl who masturbates with the cross in the Exorcist. Hey, I’m just saying!

I report, you decide.



April 8, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Jersey Shore Cast- The Excrement of Society

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Nice tan, Genital Wart. You looked like a re-heated cow pie.

In the words of Ignatius Riley, “What degenerate spawned this abortion?”

Why, MTV of course; the music television network strangely void of music and the creators of everything else that sucks about pop culture.

The Jersey Shore cast is pretty much identical, their artificial skin color is not one found in nature, but Crayola came pretty damn close with a shade called Burnt Sienna. It sort of looks like the rusted metal of my old tricycle when I left it out in the rain a few days, so I’ll just say they’re rusted-metal colored. 

I saw a spoof of Jersey Shore on SNL a while back before I knew the reality show from perdition actually existed.  Curiosity eventually got the best of me and I watched the actually Jersey Shore and realized the SNL parody was not so much a parody as much as an amazingly realistic portrayal of 8 spray-tanned barbarian booze-hounds living in the armpit of the US. The cast of SNL should win Oscars this year.

(Fortunately I saw the one where the short, pig-looking woman got drilled in the face by some random dude at a bar she’d apparently pissed off. Stupid MTV wouldn’t actually show the footage of her getting harpooned in the jaw which was just stupid. Some women need to get a good beat down every now and then- especially that one.)

Since a few of these barn yard fouls decided to give themselves nicknames, I’ve decided to rename them with ones I find more appropriate:

Nicole “Snooki”

Snooki looks like she would smell like hot sewage and regurgitated canned dog food. I’m not sure what a “snooki” is, but I would want a full round of vaccinations before I went within a mile radius of her so I’ve decided to rename her simply “Genital Wart.”

Mike “The Situation”

Whoa there, greasy dumpster cowboy, enough with the euphemisms already. You’re not so much a situation as you are a mishap, but even that is optimistic. The Situation parades his tangerine pigmentation and helmet hair with the cool confidence of an experienced rapist. I hereby anoint you “God’s Mistake.”

Sammi “Sweetheart”

Sweetheart defined the origin of her name in Jersey terms, “I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” I would be afraid of person who said this to me, especially one who looks as constipated and nervous as that skank. I’m not convinced.  No one who buys their wardrobe at the Body Shop and their jewelry from Claire’s Accessories has the disposition of anyone who resembles a “sweetheart.”  From this day forward I shall call you Heinous Lying Road Kill Leakage.

According to the Los Angeles Times, Jersey Shore pulled in a record breaking number of viewers…….the reunion special drew in 4 million spectators.

God help us all.


April 2, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Advice for Bad Parents

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She didn't take any crap from her kids. Why should you?

A friend of mine unfortunately dragged me to Red Robin last night against my will, but I tried to make the best of it. So I’m sitting in the booth, choking down those nasty gigantic fries with no flavor, and wondering if there’s anything I hate more than this cheesy restaurant, when this disgusting little boy leans over our booth, about 2 inches from my face, and smiles at me before sticking his tongue out of his big, retarded head.

Oh yea- If there’s anything I abhor more than loud, tacky restaurants that hand out crayons at the door, it’s those obnoxious kids who lean over the booth and stare at you while their rude, degenerate parents pretend not to notice.  I don’t really think it’s fair that I should have to take that kind of abuse from other people’s children.  I don’t understand why I can’t stab them in the neck with my salad fork just because they’re not mine. What’s worse is that not only am I not able to ask them to get out of my face, I’m also not allowed to complain about it without looking like a jerk.

  I realized this rule when I was on a first date a few years and politely asked the family sitting behind me to keep their child away from our table.  Both the parents and my date criticized me for my reasonable request. I’m sorry, but it was a little too distracting to conduct a proper first date with a crusty-fingered little brat swinging from the back of my chair.  My date accused me of hating children and kept smiling apologetically and shaking his head at the kid and his parents like “I’m so sorry, this is our first date, and I didn’t know what an insensitive bitch she was.” He didn’t even know this family! Who cares if they hated him!  (Needless to say I neither wanted nor got another date with him. What a loss for him. I bet he’s sitting at a Red Robin right now, his vile rude children scaring people, wishing to God he’d popped that kid in the head and given me a high five when he had the chance. Oh well.)

                 I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask parents to restrain their children from invading my personal space and breathing their nasty germs on me…but apparently it is.  I’ve compiled a list with some other alternatives to kill two birds to terrify/humiliate the parents and get the kid away from me and most likely the entire restaurant, while not criticizing anyone’s parenting skills. See below:

  1. Write down your number, kiss the paper with lipstick, and ask “can you give this to your Daddy? “
  2.  Tell him Santa isn’t real. If you live in the South, tell him Jesus isn’t real.
  3. Offer the kid a sip of Jack Daniels.
  4. Dare him to eat his food of the floor like a puppy- kids love that shit. Then ask “how does the puppy go?” in your most sweet, sing-song, I-love-children voice. If the entire restaurant isn’t giving the parents an appalling look sing “I can’t heeee-aaar you.”
  5. Explain the procedure of a Dirty Sanchez. Convince the child to educate the server when they bring desert.

 Most of these will probably shame the parents into beating their children in the restroom, the parking lot, or at home. They’ve also taught a valuable lesson about trusting strangers and the awful truth that kids are stupid and will repeat anything they hear.  Either way, they’re out of your sight which is really all that matters. Bad children are products of parental failures.


April 1, 2010 at 3:38 pm