Yea I'm full of rage, what of it?

Just another WordPress.com weblog

I Date Winners

with 2 comments

1. Matt was a bit of a snob. He didn’t talk to his neighbors because “they’re renters.” He liked to be trendy and wear $80 t-shirts that were eco-friendly to prove how much he loved the environment. (Never mind the fact he drove a Navigator & didn’t recycle.)

Matt broke up with me because I taunted his cat. True story.

2. Andrew had an inferiority complex because he was fat in high school and I learned, through many late night sob stories, that he never quite got over the ridicule and torment from his teenage years. He used to ask me “do these jeans make me look fat?” So, just to antagonize him and heighten his insecurities, I would reply “define fat.” I imagine I’m the one responsible for sparking his bulimia…….

Who would actually listen to me? I’m a liar.

3. Kenneth was defensive because he did not love himself, and for good reason. He was annoying and little terrifying. The smallest comment was perceived as a personal attack and warranted some witty rebuttal such as “you are” or “what’s that supposed to mean, bitch?” At first there was no malice behind my innocent comments but when I learned what a psycho I was dealing with, I got creative. I intentionally placed cryptic messages in everything I said to get a rise out of him and have some fun. My favorites include: “Wow, that zit on your head makes you look like a triclops!” and “My last boyfriend had visible muscles and little body weight, but he had more free time to work out than you did” or “well, I for one think your Napoleon complex is cute.”

4. Jacob set unrealistic goals for himself–big dreams, small brain, and zero motivation beyond his whimsical fantasies of an unattainable life. He was going to be something different every day, ranging from an astronaut, an M.D., a musician, an artist, and a war hero. I thought it best to let him dream and not interfere with his false sense of his abilities. At any rate, he was really annoying and I was looking forward to watching him fall flat on his face and realize that the real world held no important place for him. I was right, it didn’t, and when he realized he had no artistic or musical capabilities, couldn’t solve a simplistic chemistry equation if his life depended on it, and was afraid of heights, reality set in and he suffered an extreme mental collapse.

 I fled shortly thereafter. The last I heard he was 26 and completing his last year of community college and bagging groceries at Publix. Aim low, you have a better chance of nailing your target…and for God’s sake, easy on the self-esteem!

5. Caleb was a philosophy major and an amateur photographer with a pseudo-artistic temperament. He skulked around all day and whined about life—“but what is life?” What is life really to the disgruntled, pampered, trustafarian wanderer?

When daddy foots the bill for a double major in philosophy and religion, then presents a fall-back plan to work for his company when his son decides he’s tired of wearing Rainbows and listening to Bob Dylan………………life can be anything you want.

I was eventually exhausted from hearing about his long walks in the park, his play-by-play analyses of a family of squirrels, the things he learned about relationships by watching frogs mate, and his zeal to start a protest….if he ever found anything worth protesting. He eventually used his undergraduate in philosophy to attend law school and is now a defense attorney.

“You’re reading Fitzgerald, you’re reading Hemingway,

 They’re both super smart and drinking in the café.”

-Regina Spektor “Poor Little Rich Boy.”

Advertisements

Written by BECAUSE I CARE

May 6, 2010 at 11:41 am

2 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Cheers
    Christian, iwspo.net

    ficainarepinE

    May 16, 2010 at 1:33 am

    • Why thank you, I appreciate that- clearly you have great taste. 😉

      BECAUSE I CARE

      July 29, 2010 at 11:15 am


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: