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Work emails

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King James Anthony, a.k.a. Jimmy Tony- he's a big deal.

I keep a separate folder at work for my emails from friends….just for bad days when I need a little sunshine. I needed some sunshine yesterday so I started sifting through the volumes and realized just how bizarre our communication truly is…….so I thought I should share some of our correspondence. Here it is, in no particular order of strangeness or hilarity:

 EMAIL 1- On J. Alfred Prufrock’s attire (Devon’s submission)

“Those are great… This is one of my favorites:”

Devon: “Where can I get some white flannel trousers?”

Me: “In the douche bag aisle.”

EMAIL 2- Me, showing my class

DS: “Mose Allison is this awesome jazz pianist… He has a voice like butter. I’ll send you some.”

Me: “I thought you said Moose for a second. I was like, oh that’s a sweet name. I shall name my first born Moose……..then give it to you because I don’t want kids. You can take care of it in your little concrete lair.”


EMAIL 3- Conversation concerning my friend’s fear of a company bathroom stalker:

DS: “Okay, something weird has been going on the last few days, and I haven’t said anything because I was afraid I was just being paranoid or homophobic… But I know I’m not, now…

See the picture? That is the bathroom in the sales office… We share it with them. See how close the urinal is to the sink?

Monday, I was peeing, and this guy from sales comes in and washes his hands… It struck me that he took a really long time to wash his hands, but I didn’t think anything of it. We said hello, which was uncomfortable for me… I like being alone… But I was okay.

Tuesday, I walk in the bathroom and stand at the urinal, not two seconds later dude walks in and begins to wash his hands. I’m done pissing by the time he finishes washing his hands. This time, he is really chatty, asking me how my day is and stuff. I chalked it up to coincidence.

Wednesday, same thing happens. I was totally weirded out, but still unsure.


ME: “This is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve heard in a week (it would be a month if Eliot hadn’t prank called our former principal.) My advice to you—pee on him a little then say “oops,” giggle sheepishly. If he isn’t scared away by that…..hide cameras in there and claim sexual harassment. That’s no coincidence. “

DS: “He might like the pee, looks like he might…I can’t hide cameras in there!!!!!!! I could maybe record him coming in there on audio.  This is freaking embarrassing… I can’t believe somebody actually grabbed you. I guess I’ll say something to him, if it happens again.”


EMAIL 4- Discussing my cat, Jimmy Tony

ME : “Jimmy Tony was reading his horoscopes last night. He is a fellow Aries- the sign of fire and impatience………..just look at those eyes—like two fiery coals……..”


EMAIL 5- Whining about my lunch to a friend

ME: “I’ll need to have a chat with pops tonight…….he neglected to put cheese on my sandwich. What was he thinking?”

EF: “You’ve got to be kidding me. Your parents make your lunch? Time for you to get some independence…geographically anyway, is a start. ” 


EMAIL 6- Another conversation with my uncle regarding Jimmy Tony’s most recent photo.

ME: “He’s not feeling very photogenic”

Uncle:  “To be so skinny, he seems to have awfully meaty thighs.”


EMAIL 7-A misogynistic friend reflecting on the importance of spreading his seed without financial consequences/ expressing desire to find a sugar mamma:

ME: “You should gather your seeds someday… your bastard children are between the ages of 3-15, right? You sound like you like kids.”

JS:  “My nephews are 3 and 5. Cute little guys but quite the handful. I am not sure if I would go so far as to say I like kids. I like my nephews but I am not willing to extend it any further at this point.

I am not going to gather my seed until they are all 18 or older. No need for me to get roped into paying child support.”

ME: “There’s a dirty old bag in my neighborhood, her husband lucked up and finally died of a heart attack. Anyway, she sits on her porch and screams at cars to slow down even if they’re only going 15 mph. She’s loaded, about to give herself a stroke, and I assume has a penchant for young guys considering she has every college guy in town working as her pool boy in the summer. You two would be perfect together- 2 bitter, contrary little soul mates yelling and throwing sticks at the cars and animals passing by. I can see it now, you and your 90 year old battle ax.”

JS: “good. The older the better. I’d like to pull the men’s version of an Anna Nicole Smith if I could.”



EMAIL 8:  Not asking for too much information, just a friendly “how’s your day?’

ME: “Hey, will you be at the show tonight? What have you been up to?”

MC: “Hey You! Sorry I didn’t get back to you yet… I spent a lot of time looking at porn yesterday.”



Email 8: Weighing the pros and cons of office ass kissing

DV: “I just had to kiss major butt. I hate kissing butt. I need some igniting…”

Me: “Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh……..haha. muah, muah, muah. Thank you, may I have another? I NEVER do that. EVER. For any reason. This is why I will never be financially successful or liked. I would rather be poor, bitter, and feared.”




June 29, 2010 at 12:09 pm

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