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Jersey Shore Cast- The Excrement of Society

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Nice tan, Genital Wart. You looked like a re-heated cow pie.

In the words of Ignatius Riley, “What degenerate spawned this abortion?”

Why, MTV of course; the music television network strangely void of music and the creators of everything else that sucks about pop culture.

The Jersey Shore cast is pretty much identical, their artificial skin color is not one found in nature, but Crayola came pretty damn close with a shade called Burnt Sienna. It sort of looks like the rusted metal of my old tricycle when I left it out in the rain a few days, so I’ll just say they’re rusted-metal colored. 

I saw a spoof of Jersey Shore on SNL a while back before I knew the reality show from perdition actually existed.  Curiosity eventually got the best of me and I watched the actually Jersey Shore and realized the SNL parody was not so much a parody as much as an amazingly realistic portrayal of 8 spray-tanned barbarian booze-hounds living in the armpit of the US. The cast of SNL should win Oscars this year.

(Fortunately I saw the one where the short, pig-looking woman got drilled in the face by some random dude at a bar she’d apparently pissed off. Stupid MTV wouldn’t actually show the footage of her getting harpooned in the jaw which was just stupid. Some women need to get a good beat down every now and then- especially that one.)

Since a few of these barn yard fouls decided to give themselves nicknames, I’ve decided to rename them with ones I find more appropriate:

Nicole “Snooki”

Snooki looks like she would smell like hot sewage and regurgitated canned dog food. I’m not sure what a “snooki” is, but I would want a full round of vaccinations before I went within a mile radius of her so I’ve decided to rename her simply “Genital Wart.”

Mike “The Situation”

Whoa there, greasy dumpster cowboy, enough with the euphemisms already. You’re not so much a situation as you are a mishap, but even that is optimistic. The Situation parades his tangerine pigmentation and helmet hair with the cool confidence of an experienced rapist. I hereby anoint you “God’s Mistake.”

Sammi “Sweetheart”

Sweetheart defined the origin of her name in Jersey terms, “I’m the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” I would be afraid of person who said this to me, especially one who looks as constipated and nervous as that skank. I’m not convinced.  No one who buys their wardrobe at the Body Shop and their jewelry from Claire’s Accessories has the disposition of anyone who resembles a “sweetheart.”  From this day forward I shall call you Heinous Lying Road Kill Leakage.

According to the Los Angeles Times, Jersey Shore pulled in a record breaking number of viewers…….the reunion special drew in 4 million spectators.

God help us all.



April 2, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Advice for Bad Parents

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She didn't take any crap from her kids. Why should you?

A friend of mine unfortunately dragged me to Red Robin last night against my will, but I tried to make the best of it. So I’m sitting in the booth, choking down those nasty gigantic fries with no flavor, and wondering if there’s anything I hate more than this cheesy restaurant, when this disgusting little boy leans over our booth, about 2 inches from my face, and smiles at me before sticking his tongue out of his big, retarded head.

Oh yea- If there’s anything I abhor more than loud, tacky restaurants that hand out crayons at the door, it’s those obnoxious kids who lean over the booth and stare at you while their rude, degenerate parents pretend not to notice.  I don’t really think it’s fair that I should have to take that kind of abuse from other people’s children.  I don’t understand why I can’t stab them in the neck with my salad fork just because they’re not mine. What’s worse is that not only am I not able to ask them to get out of my face, I’m also not allowed to complain about it without looking like a jerk.

  I realized this rule when I was on a first date a few years and politely asked the family sitting behind me to keep their child away from our table.  Both the parents and my date criticized me for my reasonable request. I’m sorry, but it was a little too distracting to conduct a proper first date with a crusty-fingered little brat swinging from the back of my chair.  My date accused me of hating children and kept smiling apologetically and shaking his head at the kid and his parents like “I’m so sorry, this is our first date, and I didn’t know what an insensitive bitch she was.” He didn’t even know this family! Who cares if they hated him!  (Needless to say I neither wanted nor got another date with him. What a loss for him. I bet he’s sitting at a Red Robin right now, his vile rude children scaring people, wishing to God he’d popped that kid in the head and given me a high five when he had the chance. Oh well.)

                 I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask parents to restrain their children from invading my personal space and breathing their nasty germs on me…but apparently it is.  I’ve compiled a list with some other alternatives to kill two birds to terrify/humiliate the parents and get the kid away from me and most likely the entire restaurant, while not criticizing anyone’s parenting skills. See below:

  1. Write down your number, kiss the paper with lipstick, and ask “can you give this to your Daddy? “
  2.  Tell him Santa isn’t real. If you live in the South, tell him Jesus isn’t real.
  3. Offer the kid a sip of Jack Daniels.
  4. Dare him to eat his food of the floor like a puppy- kids love that shit. Then ask “how does the puppy go?” in your most sweet, sing-song, I-love-children voice. If the entire restaurant isn’t giving the parents an appalling look sing “I can’t heeee-aaar you.”
  5. Explain the procedure of a Dirty Sanchez. Convince the child to educate the server when they bring desert.

 Most of these will probably shame the parents into beating their children in the restroom, the parking lot, or at home. They’ve also taught a valuable lesson about trusting strangers and the awful truth that kids are stupid and will repeat anything they hear.  Either way, they’re out of your sight which is really all that matters. Bad children are products of parental failures.


April 1, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Facebook Feeds: Do you need attention? Aww..Do You?

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I miss the olden days back in 2003 when Facebook didn’t have all these newfangled, hare-brained ideas like enabling people I don’t even want to look at send me a virtual hug and those who were too scared to make eye contact with me in high school send me an anonymous comment in “honesty” box about what a raging bitch I am. I’m pretty sure those same people will be changing their names and high-tailing it to Canada when Facebook pops up with a new device to reveal the anonymous chicken shit behind the badass virtual facade……..

I liked Facebook when it was exciting and old faces from the past were popping up left and right. I loved finding that old boyfriend that dumped me in high school so I could congratulate him on his new house with wheels and his new wife that can barely squeeze into it. I even found a few teachers I particularly loathed and finally gave them a piece of my mind without getting hauled to an administrator’s office.

But now….the thrill is gone, and unfortunately people got all crazy and thought other people might care about every second of their day on their stupid status feeds……I don’t. I have a sneaking suspicion I won’t find anything interesting coming from a person who finds 10 minute intervals in their busy day to tell me about the mindless garbage that pilfers through their insipid, yet narcissistic skulls.

Here are just of few of the millions of things I don’t want to know about you:

1. That you had a bowel movement this morning and a bag of Skittles at lunch.

I need to know about your diet and regularity as much as I need a taser at work.

2. That your boyfriend/girlfriend dumped you.

It was probably because you wouldn’t pay them enough attention because you were too busy throwing goats at people and updating your friends about how bad you need a lobotomy on Facebook.

3. That your husband is coming home from his business trip to Chicago tonight and you’re just SO excited.

What does your relationship with him have to do with anyone else? He didn’t feel the need to tell everyone about his trip or how many girls he banged. Why should you?

4. That you are “just SO sad today.” Unfortunately, I don’t care that you’re sad, just like you wouldn’t care if I were sad.

Pipe down and just do what I do- get a prescription for whatever mood ails you so. Trust me, there’s a pill for everything and I have them all.

5. That it’s Monday and you just finished watching seasons I through IV of Friends while consuming an entire batch of hash brownies. Tee-hee! How funny is that?!

I guess it’s not quite as funny as it was in high school now that you have 2 kids to support and random drug tests administered by well-meaning social workers at Defax.

6. That your favorite reading material is Cosmopolitan.

Dear God, all I need is more anger towards my generation’s stupidity to fuel my road rage during rush hour traffic.

7. That you’re in love…..aaahh…….

It’ll pass. And when it does I’m sure I’ll be lucky enough to have all the mundane details plastered all over my screen when I log in.

8. That you’re “over it.”

I call horseshit. If you were actually over whatever it is your still obviously writhing mad about, you wouldn’t feel the need to share the fact in order to conjure attention from idiots desperate enough to give it. You’re not aloof and you’re not fooling anyone. We know you’re sitting behind your computer clicking refresh waiting for someone to give a damn.

9. That your going to see Alice in Wonderland tonight and you’re so excited!

You should be excited to live in a gracious country that allows bad people to see good movies. Tim Burton doesn’t care that you’re going to see his film any more than I do because he’s so awesome that he doesn’t need anyone to advertise his awesomeness ….kind of like Hollister doesn’t need to advertise their cheap, tacky clothes to future skank reality show contestants. It’s one of those “if you build it they will come kinda things.” Too obvious, just shut up.

10. Anything about your personal hygiene. You are the kind of person who will probably use the toilet with the door open in front of your husband. I didn’t marry you, therefore I shouldn’t have to hear about it.

Most of us eat, clip our toenails, and have relationship problems. That being said, don’t fool yourself into believing that these things are somehow special if they apply to you. They’re not and you’re not either, so unless it’s March of 2010 and you’ve not had a bowel movement since June 2009.…you’re ordinary at best.


March 17, 2010 at 12:59 am


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I would never leave you to clean the secrets off the walls.
All I ask is that you light my cigarette between moments of intensity,
When I am still.

It’s hard to take so little when you offer so much,
But I am shrinking as I strip layers of buildup from the lens.

You understand, it just happens, and I am just me.
I depart in madness, but arrive in peace.

In November, the leaves become sick and die.
I watch them from my roof and feel them ignite before they fall.


March 14, 2010 at 6:12 pm

Posted in poetry

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"Starbound" by Jessica Barrett

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photo by E. Ashley Desh Solomon Hawk Wortman

You are the buzzing static of winter,
Storing your white canvas crystallized.
The moment will come back for you,
So you know, to paint the universe.
Enter spring stems re-wiring you in a hurry,
Sprouting summer that adores you most of all,
Swinging you under it branches and
Hoisting you to the stars.
I dreamt you were suspended by every season,
You were scraping the rings off Saturn
With care and a cigarette between your smile
And I didn’t have the heart
To talk you back down.
Happy like Saturday morning;
A little boy in footy pajamas
Watching cartoons over a big bowl
Of sugary cereal and it’s not always
What we imagine, the loose screw;
An old lady playing with her childhood
At times, it’s a young man
On a solo seesaw at midnight,
Skipping, fearless, home at dawn.
The brilliant rewiring of spring
That flipped it over three and one-half times,
Wheels pointed towards the stars.


March 14, 2010 at 5:53 pm

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Nickel Back Followers by Jessica Barrett

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The Worst Band Ever & How to Spot their Followers


Nickel Back: This is without a doubt the suckiest band in the universe. The fact that they have “#1 Hits” disturbs me in a way words cannot begin to articulate. My mind cannot even wrap around the concept that their CD’s actually sale and that they’re living in mansions bought with their fans’ stupidity and horrendous taste. It’s bad. It’s bad and it’s just wrong. Let me tell you something, if you are a Nickel Back fan, please remove me from your friend list now. You can even write me a message about how narrow-minded and evil I am first. I don’t care. Speak your peace and kindly take your exit; I am not interested in anything that comes out of your mouth not even your breath. You disgust me and I hate you.

 What kind of person listens to Nickel Back? Sadly enough, the people who listen to this thing that is unfortunately considered a musical band don’t always live away from society in a hole in the ground as they should be. Yes, they are walking amongst us. There are people from so many walks of life that listen to this crap but really they are just one big Army of generic rock lovers reduced to one common denominator of pure, solid suckiness. As a matter of fact I went to Best Buy a few days ago to buy an awesome CD (Jeff Buckley) for a person who has stellar taste in music and my ears almost bled because the loser standing adjacent to me milling around the TOP 10 sale wrack’s phone rang with a Nickel Back ring tone. I can’t escape it. He smelled like Curve Cologne and was wearing an Abercrombie T-shirt from like, 10 years ago. He used words like “ain’t” and “WHOOOO.” He winked at me and I almost barfed out my nose. Thank you for ruining my shopping experience. This is just one example. Some common characteristics that should stab you in the ass with the pole of a red flag are, but not limited to, the following:

1. GUYS: Usually wears lots of cheap cologne and are attracted to girls with an orange tan, pops his collar, is a flaming racist but also listens to gangsta rap (only when the windows are rolled up), has “guys night’ and actually calls it that, sends in his homemade videos to the “Tool Academy,” refers to good music as “weird hippie shit,” doesn’t know what a hippie is and wouldn’t know good music if it tea bagged him in the forehead, likes to teabag his male friends after getting plastered at “Guys’ Night, hit his peak in the 11th grade (assuming he made it that far), and stands in the TOP Ten Sale wrack at Best Buy winking at girls that would rather be scalped than acknowledge him.

2. GIRLS: usually has an orange tan, likes to do methamphetamines in her free time, buys her wardrobe at “The Body Shop,” wears some nasty stripper perfume by some skank designer like Jennifer Lopez, has a life long dream of becoming a nail technician, is a perpetual Real World reject, owns a pit bull, hangs Marti Gras beads from the mirror in her red Mustang like we need proof that you’re a skank and you already drive a Mustang, has lock-jaw, claims she got her Hepatitis C from a tattoo parlor or toilet seat, and dates guys like the aforementioned.

So you see, Nickel Back isn’t even okay to listen to if you call it your “guilty pleasure.” You know it sucks, own it and admit to the first class moron you really are. I used to be in denial about Britney Spears. Then I realized, “Britney is not a guilty pleasure, I LOVE HER!” I lost a few friends for that confession and you know what, I don’t blame them but if Britney spears suckiness doesn’t hold a flame to Nickel Back’s, you know that is some serious dog shit music. THINK ABOUT IT.


March 14, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Posted in Random Rants

MTV- Advocates of Safe Sex

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Way to teach safe sex, MTV!!

MTV administered this photograph  in a strategic, yet highly ineffective attempt, considering it was pulled from the airways almost immediately after its release, to heighten social awareness on the topic of safe sex to a younger generation. Kudos to MTV for reinforcing male violence in pornography, the lethality, fear and worship of the phallus while simultaneously presenting themselves as good Samaritans and advocates for sexual safety.
Allegedly, the advertisement team responsible for the release felt that pornography was the only way to deter the youth from engaging in risky sexual behavior that could potentially lead to STD’s and teen pregnancy. At a glance, the gun merely represents the dangers of unsafe sex, comparing the risks involved to a loaded pistol aimed right at the crotch. Clever, huh? A more in depth analyses might compare the gun to the ultimate phallic symbol of violence, ownership, and subjectivity as it’s lethal and something to be feared. It might compare the spread-eagle female model’s position to an open invitation. The gun replaces what is missing, or lacking rather, in femininity and reinforces the masculine gender role of violence.
I find it difficult to fathom a photo of a perfectly manicured woman with her legs spread an inspiration for birth control and a repellant for any heterosexual male. If MTV felt the need to use graphic images, would not a picture of an STD suffice? It seems that an add inducing a gag reflex rather than a pornographic ideal would be more effective.


March 12, 2010 at 9:07 pm