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I Date Winners

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1. Matt was a bit of a snob. He didn’t talk to his neighbors because “they’re renters.” He liked to be trendy and wear $80 t-shirts that were eco-friendly to prove how much he loved the environment. (Never mind the fact he drove a Navigator & didn’t recycle.)

Matt broke up with me because I taunted his cat. True story.

2. Andrew had an inferiority complex because he was fat in high school and I learned, through many late night sob stories, that he never quite got over the ridicule and torment from his teenage years. He used to ask me “do these jeans make me look fat?” So, just to antagonize him and heighten his insecurities, I would reply “define fat.” I imagine I’m the one responsible for sparking his bulimia…….

Who would actually listen to me? I’m a liar.

3. Kenneth was defensive because he did not love himself, and for good reason. He was annoying and little terrifying. The smallest comment was perceived as a personal attack and warranted some witty rebuttal such as “you are” or “what’s that supposed to mean, bitch?” At first there was no malice behind my innocent comments but when I learned what a psycho I was dealing with, I got creative. I intentionally placed cryptic messages in everything I said to get a rise out of him and have some fun. My favorites include: “Wow, that zit on your head makes you look like a triclops!” and “My last boyfriend had visible muscles and little body weight, but he had more free time to work out than you did” or “well, I for one think your Napoleon complex is cute.”

4. Jacob set unrealistic goals for himself–big dreams, small brain, and zero motivation beyond his whimsical fantasies of an unattainable life. He was going to be something different every day, ranging from an astronaut, an M.D., a musician, an artist, and a war hero. I thought it best to let him dream and not interfere with his false sense of his abilities. At any rate, he was really annoying and I was looking forward to watching him fall flat on his face and realize that the real world held no important place for him. I was right, it didn’t, and when he realized he had no artistic or musical capabilities, couldn’t solve a simplistic chemistry equation if his life depended on it, and was afraid of heights, reality set in and he suffered an extreme mental collapse.

 I fled shortly thereafter. The last I heard he was 26 and completing his last year of community college and bagging groceries at Publix. Aim low, you have a better chance of nailing your target…and for God’s sake, easy on the self-esteem!

5. Caleb was a philosophy major and an amateur photographer with a pseudo-artistic temperament. He skulked around all day and whined about life—“but what is life?” What is life really to the disgruntled, pampered, trustafarian wanderer?

When daddy foots the bill for a double major in philosophy and religion, then presents a fall-back plan to work for his company when his son decides he’s tired of wearing Rainbows and listening to Bob Dylan………………life can be anything you want.

I was eventually exhausted from hearing about his long walks in the park, his play-by-play analyses of a family of squirrels, the things he learned about relationships by watching frogs mate, and his zeal to start a protest….if he ever found anything worth protesting. He eventually used his undergraduate in philosophy to attend law school and is now a defense attorney.

“You’re reading Fitzgerald, you’re reading Hemingway,

 They’re both super smart and drinking in the café.”

-Regina Spektor “Poor Little Rich Boy.”

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Written by BECAUSE I CARE

May 6, 2010 at 11:41 am

First Date Lies

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"I don't normally make sex tapes, honest!"

“I don’t normally make sex tapes…honest!”

Rather than moping over a few failed relationships consisting of an awful flurry of first dates, followed by agonizing second and third encounters which have left me wondering why I don’t just give up after the first, I’m going to share what I’ve learned…

I’ve noticed a correlation between certain red flags and subsequent behaviors. In the interest of sparing you from these behaviors, and to save you much needed time and sanity by ditching these cretins prior to a sticky relationship, I will delineate these indicators. If any of the following sound familiar, get on your horse and get the hell out of dodge:

1.“I’ve been cheated on by every person I’ve dated.” 

Though this commonly used sob story can be interpreted various ways, you are definitely dealing with a drama queen/king either way. This is the paradigm of classic victim mentality and should be a warning sign of tragic theatrics to come. I’m so nice, everyone’s so mean, boo-hoo-hoo poor me! 

This typically arises on the first or second getting-to-know-you date and is most often thrown into conversation to generate sympathy and portray a loyal person who knows what it’s like to get burned. Marginally intelligent and intuitive people who’ve been cheated on can usually pick up on the tale-tale signs of a cheater after dating a few of them. A person who is continually cheated on is one of two things: a mouth-breathing mirror-fogging retard, or a flawed dolt seeking out partners they know will ditch them so they’ll have a victim story to tell…perhaps both.

Next time somebody offers up this nugget on a first date, don’t hang around for the second; or a relationship full of their crocodile tears and stories of dating martyrdom will soon materialize.

2. “I normally don’t do this, but…”

Like adding “in bed” to fortune cookie wisdom- simply remove the “don’t” and you magically have the “truth.” Here are a few common statements that follow:

  • “I normally don’t get set up on first dates a lot”

Interpretation is “I normally get set up with tons of first dates.”  If this doesn’t bother you then go for it; however, if you’re not interested in dating someone too inept to secure their own dates and a liar to boot, move along and stop trusting your clueless though well-intentioned friends and family to set you up.

  • I normally don’t get drunk and naked on the first date, but…..”

But tonight you figured would be just the perfect opportunity to try out being an incoherent, drunken, dirty slut for the first time? Riiiiiiggghttt…no one buys this line ever, but if you’re on a date with a dude who wants to get laid, he’s going to patronize you until the inevitable drop-kick the following morning. By the way, don’t expect a call. For anyone who prefers this method of dating, just be up front about it- at least you’d be an honest drunken whore.

3. A person who always has a story or comment to top your story or comment is always a greedy, attention-hogging, self-serving narcissist. There are no exceptions to this rule. On the surface narcissists seem engaging, energetic, talkative, and self-confident. As the courtship progresses, a more arrogant and egocentric character emerges. You’ll find the only conversations they’ll engage with involve how wonderful they are. If you don’t acknowledge this awesomeness at least ten times a day, they’ll remind you. Trust me.

 At their core, narcissists are actually insecure, insincere, competitive, jealous brats who will stop at nothing to upstage even innocent passersby. These individuals can be quite maniacally persuasive, as they’ve had years to hone their deceptions. At times they can seem supportive and even enthusiastic of others’ success, but deep down they’re actually resentful. Narcissism is deep rooted in childhood and learned from parents who praise their children for being mediocre, and at times, downright inferior. This parenting approach instills children with deluded ideas of self-worth and the irrational expectation that they are entitled to love and praise for their existence. They’re not, so move along.

Written by BECAUSE I CARE

March 12, 2010 at 7:17 pm

Posted in Random Rants

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